I'm getting better...

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting on my blog that much besides updates on my portfolios and I have some reasoning for that. A few reasons actually. Here lately {as in, over the course of a few months} I have hit a very hard low in my life. So many changes happening at once and some days it seems like I just can't get my life together. Now, if you know me you would know I love being in control because it gives me a sense of security because I am in control and I chose how things go. Well, here lately I haven't been able to do that and I've been a mess. On top of that, I hate asking people for help and I hate pity more than anything. So of course with that being said, I felt like I was alone. My heart kept screaming for someone to help me but in my mind I knew that I couldn't because then I would come off as a weak person and that's just not who I am. I've spent nights up until 4 A.M. crying my heart out because I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what was going to happen next. So, I've been tired of feeling this way of course, because who wouldn't? It's the worst feeling and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So I have been making changes in my life which is hopefully for the best. Here lately, I've started back running daily, I've been doing way more photography and started cutting out all the negativity that I can from my life that I can. I've cut out toxic friendships and keeping my guard up. The only problem? I get attached too easily. So it's pretty hard to keep my guard up. If you have security issues you will understand as well. Here lately, it seems like everything that makes me happy leaves sooner or later. It's awful as you can imagine. So I try not to get too close to people but a very select few and I try not to let people be my happiness because people leave. People change and they leave. There's one song by the band Kansas that hits really close to my heart and that's the song, "Dust in the Wind". Specifically the lyrics "Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sun" because it's true if you think about it, it's so true. People change and there's no way getting around it. Even you change. You're not the same person you were about a year ago. No matter how much you refuse to admit it, you're not because you've changed. Therefore, if you're going to change, do it for the better for yourself. Not what everyone else. Be happy because that's the best feeling in the world. For example, here recently I've been trying to be a bit more carefree and do things that make me happy because life's too short to worry about things that will just tear you apart. I only have 2 more years to live carefree so I might as well make the most of it. I try to live each day as if it were the last because honestly, it might be, who knows? I've also been getting back into church and doing more things with my friends. We never know what's going to happen next but why worry about it when we can enjoy the now? Yes, some days will be way harder than the others but just think, a day is only 24 hours and then a whole new day will come. I'm trying to live the best life I can for my Granny Jan who passed away when I was only 13 because I know for a fact she wouldn't want to see me so depressed all of the time. I keep going for her and myself. Yes, people say some things about me but I try to ignore it and go on with my day. It might be hard and i might seem impossible but I know once thing is for sure; I am getting better. It might take a while but I am getting better.

#journalism #inspiration #getting #better