My battle with eating disorders...

--Trigger Warning--

If you know me, you'll know I get very uncomfortable when it comes to conversations about weight. Whether it's friends sharing their daily weight, eating in front of people or even just when my own mother complains about her weight. I hate it all. And here's why.

Flashback to about 5ish years ago when I was in the 5th grade. I would always get bullied about me being a little bigger than the rest of the girl in my grade. To the point where they would yell at me that I'm fat and even tell me to kill myself (That's a different story for a different blog post). My dad and step sister would even make jokes about how I was on the bigger side for my age (of course they were just joking but it hurt while all of this was going on at school) . I just always told myself that I had baby weight but at this age, you don't have any "baby weight" left. Everyone constantly bullied me at school, telling me I'm too fat for anyone to love me so they just told me I needed to die. That I was a waste of space and air. The bullying story has 2 parts to it really, but for now I'm only gonna explain this part of it. Anyways, I started to believe them. Maybe I was a waste? Well, about that time I decided to make a change in my diet. I started by cutting sweets out of my diet. Then bread. Then meat. And soon enough, everything. I was suffering from a disorder called anorexia nervosa. Anorexia nervosa is defined as "an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat." I was also doing tumbling and basketball during this time which helped distract myself from wanting to eat. About a year later, we had to do a BMI test in my health class to see where we were with our weight, under-weight, healthy, or over-weight. I can't remember much about my BMI but I do remember the computer saying that I was indeed "under-weight". I didn't even realize at this time that I was anorexic. I had never even heard of that word at this age but I remember my health teacher talking to me about it. After that, everyday during lunch she would sit with me to make sure I ate. I couldn't eat much, but I ate. However, I was still considered under-weight. About a month or so in my recovery, I was almost back to a healthy state. But then something drastic happened, my parents were arguing a lot, so much that they almost got a divorce. It nearly killed me of stress. I went back to not eating again, putting me back at the under-weight mark. We then moved not long after due to my grandmother was getting sick. Moving helped with the whole bullying part, but it just put more stress on me. I always went to my Granny Jan about everything. She was my best friend. I told her about my eating problem and she made me promise her something. She made me promise her that I would eat again and be healthy again because she didn't want to see me get sick and in bad health. So I promised her that I would. I was doing well. But then, April 2015 came; my grandmother was in the hospital practically on her death bed. I refused to eat. I couldn't eat knowing she was lying there in the hospital bed so lifeless. My mom made me eat, but I would just make myself get sick right afterwords. Then, April 29th. My grandmother passed away. I spent several days in my room. I remembered my promise I made with her. I then kept that in my mind. I started eating again. I started running to help get rid of my stress. I was finally getting to be healthy again. However, to this day, I still get anxious about eating sometimes. I don't like eating much in front of people in fear that they will judge me, and when I get stressed, I don't eat much. I still look at my stomach in the mirror constantly and check my wight constantly. I am still battling with this disorder 5 years later, but I'm getting better. It's been a long process but I can finally say I am finally at a healthy BMI. It took about 5 years, but I did it. Look Granny Jan, I did it.

If you or someone you know if going through an eating disorder, please contact The National Eating Disorder Information and Referral Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or The ANAD Eating Disorders Helpline at (630) 577-1330 .

For more information about eating disorders go to: http://www.projectknow.com/research/eating-disorder-hotlines/

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